How to kill a man with a can of creamed corn

1. Throw can of creamed corn at man, hitting him in a soft, sensitive area of the head (the temple, for instance).

2. Open creamed corn with a can opener. Use sharp edge of can-flap to slice the man’s jugular.
3. Put unopened can of creamed corn in microwave, and turn on at high power. When can and/or microwave explodes, man is hit by shrapnel and killed.

4. Place can at top of large flight of stairs. Man trips on can and breaks neck when falling.

5. Cut tiny hole in can and allow to sit for a prolonged period of time. After creamed corn has gone rotten, place back on shelf. Man unknowingly eats creamed corn and dies from food poisoning.

6. Start a religious cult that worships a can of creamed corn. Entice the man to join your cult through an ingenious program involving kind actions, attractive women, and lowered critical thinking abilities created by weekend retreats designed to physically and mentally exhaust him with team games, “sharing sessions”, and no opportunity for sleep. Tell him that he can become “one with the corn” by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid. Serve Kool Aid. Man dies.

7. Open can, and pour creamed corn into man’s nose and mouth while he sleeps. Man suffocates.

8. Train a pack of weasels to ravenously crave the taste of creamed corn. Pour can of creamed corn onto neck of man. Unleash weasels.

9. Open can of creamed corn. Pour creamed corn into engine oil compartment of man’s car. Engine seizes up while man is driving, causing an accident and killing the man. (Only works for North American cars - German or Japanese cars may only allow for slight maiming).

10. Pick up can of creamed corn. Bash man in head with it.

Time for some reflection, I guess....

Dear Diary,

It's been awhile since my last post. I've been busy with taking care of Oscar. The cataract in his left eye turned dark last year. Turns out, that was a good thing. It matured and dried up - just like my ovaries and uterus will some day. By doing that, it restored a good portion of his eye sight back.

Now for the bad news. The cataract in his right eye never matured and about 5 days ago he started crying like he was really hurting - for no apparent reason. The next morning I took him to the Vet. The lens in his right eye had become dislodged and the eye was 50% larger than normal, due to glaucoma. Our only realistic option was to have his eye surgically removed.

At first I thought I was handling the entire thing like a real adult. Then the next morning arrived and I started crying like an idiot at the Vet's office.

Seriously... I was a Hot Mess.

The vet techs were all concerned and trying to comfort me but I was inconsolable. HOT MESS.

His wound is starting to heal now and it's getting "itchy". I feel for him, since my own skin itches all over almost all of the time.

I'm suddenly very tired just from reviewing all of this madness. More tomorrow.

The weather outside is delightful!

FINALLY the rain and snow have subsided and the sky is once again the glorious color of blue with huge fluffy clouds that kind of hug the horizon of the tree tops. Winter around here can be really grim and tedious but once the weather changes, there really is no better place to live. It's just stunning.

This is a shot I took for a realtor the other day. This is not my house, unfortunately!

PMS and the Temporary Insanity Clause

So, Temporary Insanity as a means to legally commit murder always sounded like a great idea to me when I was a kid. Apparently, it's not that easy to actually use it successfully but today I was tempted to test it whilst ordering a sandwich at a local Subway.

See... this crazy little Island I am on doesn't allow corporations to own businesses here. Somehow these guys snuck in under the guise of being owned & operated by a local owner.

Instead of boring you with the details of how little it takes to get me on a rant, I will just say this. It was a cluster fuck of an order scenario and there were only 2 other customers in the whole place. If these geniuses behind the counter are the owners then I am Hilary Clinton.

Bottomline: I almost walked out at one point and they drenched my sandwich with sauce like it was on fire. Grrrr.

For crying out loud...

So, it's been a month since my last post and my only reason to post today is because I just realized how lame I am. I am feeling exactly the same way I did a month ago, like I can't do enough for other people.

Last month when this came up, I scrambled to make it happen. This morning I actually asked 3 other people to change their plans so I could work one more day, instead of going on a day trip of fun. God forbid that I might allow myself to have fun, right? Well, my friend Harold put it best. "Are you putting us off because you might die if you can't work one more day?"

I am such a lame ass! I just told my boss that I have plans and told my homies that tomorrow WE RIDE!

Thank God I see my shrink this morning, so he can help me climb down off of this cliff.

Goddammit

I hate it when I can't control my Universe so that I can please everyone all the time. I'm serious.

It's not because I crave approval, either. It's because I love being a Super Hero. The girl you go to when no one else can figure something out.

I accepted a gig today to do an open house for another agent in my office for $100. Now my REAL boss needs me to cover part of his open house because he/we have clients coming in to discuss a purchase on a 4 million dollar listing. FUCK. I'm trying to find help but no one is answering my emails or texts. Lazy ass realtors sleeping in on a Sunday while I am trying to save the world. Typical.

I'm alive!

So, after suffering for what feels like a LIFETIME of pain, I am finally shaking off the germs that had a death grip on my sinuses. Yikers, that was awful.

I'm back at work and continuing to get noticed and complimented for my work as an architectural photographer and the marketing designs I've been doing. Seriously... I did a new marketing flyer for a commercial projest that is so awesome, they need a new word for awesome. It is AWESOME.

I also captured this photo of the ferry from the deck of a condo I was working at. I'm really proud of this one and the way the image of the ferry is reflected off the water. My photoshop abilities are not good enough to edit that into the shot!

It's going to be another beautiful day today. I need to go drive around and take more photos. I have been asked for photos for a new real estate website and they are willing to pay me for them. Hell yeah, Baby. Mommy needs a new bottle of Vodka!

I haven't been sewing much because of being ill and I need to get busy. People are starting to ask me too many questions and now I'm just making shit up as I go along. LOL I'm such a cow.

This weekend I am going to make a couple of skirts so I woun't be such a liar anymore. My next few items are very vintage inspired and it's probably a bad idea, but whatever. I'm making a pencil skirt and a poodle skirt. Complete with the poodle and the crinoline petticoat. They say to use felt for the skirt but I just can't do that. It's weird. And heavy. I once borrowed one from a friend for a costume party and trying to dance in it was uncomfortable. The felt was hot and really heavy. I think denim would be cuter.

I'll post pictures of my creations as soon as they are finished! I promise!

Peace,

~Scout